mickeys

So here I am, sitting in mcdonalds waiting another hour or so to start work.
I had an interesting morning.
First this morning on the roundabout a guy on a motorcycle assumed I was turning when I was heading around. I immediately breaker when i saw his bike get jammed beneath my car and he went sideways and flew off his bike. Luckily he was okay just a bit scratched up and the bike was fine as well. Also since it was so early there hardly was traffic, but still it was not a fun experience for me. If a cop would have shown up I'm not sure what I would have done. I'm lucky things were ok. If he had broken a leg what would I have done? Well take him to the hospital, duh, but do I pay him? I suppose so...although I'm pretty sure he just got up and left because he knew it was his fault. Por estar aventandose.
I am tired...these past few weeks have felt heavy. I thought being in tj meant a more relaxed form of living. I suppose I shouldn't complain. At least I am getting hours. I am starting to get tired of this routine and the people I work with. I really need to evaluate what I want and how I will get where I want to be. Even though I don't know what that is yet. I just need something more than this.

8.23.15

Dear John,

I have so many things I want to say but I will try to keep it simple. Thank you.

Thank you for all the wonderful memories. Thank you for letting me follow you around without my shirt on because you also did not have it on and sit with you in your yellow bean bag chair. Thank you for teaching me how to make jame and lending me your stuffed green bell pepper recipe.

You have been a wonderful grandfather and godparent to me. You have shown me so many beautiful things.

I always knew that you cared. While I was in Okinawa, when I came home to visit we talked about the weather over there and when you went to Japan.

I know you are in peace now, and eventually so will I. I'm just sorry I couldn't say goodbye. I hope to one day see you again and make up for that. Until then, I have written you this letter letting you know how much I will miss you, how much I cared for you, and how you will always have a place in my thoughts and heart.

I love you,
Dora

PS- If you see my mom, say Hi to her for me and please fill her in. ;)

Peter Gabriel- I Grieve

It was only one hour ago

It was all so different then

Nothing yet has really sunk in

Looks like it always did

This flesh and bone

Its just the way that we are tied in

But there's no one home

We (I) grieve, for you

You leave, us (me)

So hard to move on 

Still loving what's gone

They say life carries on

Carries on and on and on

Independence Day

Independence Day is coming up. For me the important dates in July are the 4th and 12th.  On the former day the US celebrates their freedom from their european possesors. On the latter day in 1993 my little brother Anthony was born.  Both days are supposed to be a day of celebration and they are. But independence day for me does not mean celebration but instead a day of mourning.
On July 4th of 2001 my mother died.

I grieve for you

You leave me

'So hard to move on

Still loving what's gone

They say life carries on

Carries on and on and on and on

"Grieve" by Peter Gabriel

Honestly over the years that day has been getting easier to ignore and get through. I think last year I didn't even notice it had been the 4th until a couple days after. It doesn't mean I am forgetting my mother. It just means that while I can still remember the pain, the wound does not hurt me like it used to. I miss her. I know that if she were here my life would be completely different. But I hope that from heaven she is watching me and approves of how I've turned out. I hope I haven't let her down and I just want her to know that I love her and she will never stop being in my heart and mind.

I think about how I've been changing. I am no longer that same immature girl I used to be but I still do not feel completely like an adult. Too many silly fears bother me and I know it has to do with how I was taught. Although I wish I could have said I was a rebel when I was younger, I really did not do anything rebellious. I understand that who I want to be has nothing to do with being more rebellious. But in saying NO and doing my own thing I feel rebellious. I am going against what is expected of me and I am the one that holds those expectations. Basically I am fighting myself and even though I fully acknowledge this, I cannot do anything to make it easier for myself. Why? Because I am not naturally inclined to do so!

I am trapped in an evil cycle with my desire to be different and inability to escape my own mind.

So how do I overcome such a futile feat? Pure willpower. I will myself to get out of my comfort box and suffer through the horrible feelings of guilt and impotency in the pit of my stomach. It can get exhausting but as I continue learning I realize that my road to happiness lies in my ability to master myself and REALLY learn what I want and who I am. That makes it all worth it and in the end I hope I can look back and think to myself that I enjoyed the ride.

Independece Day is two days away and I will make sure to set apart some time for my mother that day. I cannot visit her body because she is stashed away somewhere in 212, but I can give her my thoughts and well wishes wherever she is.

I love you mom. 

B.F.F.s

I do not know how I feel about Lana. I feel like she is holding a lot back. It bothers me that I do not know for sure what is going through her mind.
It makes me sad.
She has been my best friend for a long time and I never want to lose the relationship I have with her, but the something left unspoken has planted a seed of doubt in my mind.

Mi abuelita

Mi abuelita esta en el hospital.
Mi grandma is in the hospital.
She had a stroke yesterday morning and has been in intensive care since. The most current news from my sister Claudia is that she has been tied down due to aggressiveness, she will have memory failure, and they will not let the family see her. My dad and my aunt Pichi are not too good, both of them probably feeling unimaginable pain. But maybe not as much pain as my grandma. She has a temporary pace maker and again, according to Claudia, they are talking about doing surgery to unclog the artery that is killing her and put a permanent pace maker.
The whole situation has me in a weird place emotionally.
Of course I am deeply saddened, worried, scared that mi abuelita as I last saw her exists no longer. I will cherish the few memories I have of her. The most prominent is the one of her dancing. She was so carefree. Coincidentally I have a small memory of my mom dancing. She had the same look of complete inhibition. 
I hate that I am so far away. That I cannot just teleport to the hospital. I want to be supportive. 
At the same time, I feel slightly hurt at the fact that my dad didn't tell me what happened when he told Chinita. And I doubt it is because he forgot. He even later sent me a message telling me to ask if Chinita had seen his messages. But that is it. Nothing about what it was about. Then, Chinita posts on fb that she is worried about mi abuelita. Alarms go off in my head. I text her and tell her dad's message and she says she already replied. Then she fills me in that abuelita had a stroke. Hours later, after seeing my response on Chinita's post, my dad messages me to tell me what happened.
I don't know...as I write this I realize that I may be overreacting. Okay, dad didn't tell me. But in his defense he has a lot of things going on. Important things. Things that may make him not even think about informing his youngest daughter. Ugh, I do not know! I feel like there is no right answer. He should have told me. I shouldn't be mad, though.

In conclusion, I am worried.
I love her very much. Losing her without being able to enjoy her more...is very painful. I am thankful for the small amount of time I did have. It was not wasted.

Please forgive me

Life has changed again for me.

This time, I am in a house that has seen better years. But all I see are the future years of growth and improvement. What this house has been through not only includes Juan's childhood, but that of his parents and before them. Too see it grow will be inevitable.

I have noticed that my thought process has changed. I really am not the same person I was in January of last year.
I've noticed that the repetitive fights I've had with Juan have been leaving their mark. I do not clam up. I am more sure of what I want yet I am willing to seriously consider what Juan says. We grew up in two different mentalities. I had the one with sunshine and rainbows. I thank my parents for letting me have that. But at an early age, Juan already knew that the world was a horrible place with bad people that did bad things. He knew it so well, he thrived in that environment and relished off the power it gave him.

But what I think that is happening is I am beginning to understand more. I am letting go of my old ways of thinking, AKA my "bubble," and actually letting reality in. It is costing me more than I thought it would. I remember a few years back rejoicing about maturing. As I reflect on that moment now all I can think is, "Dora, you never grew up! You are still a child! Dumb ass." And it is in this realization that I comprehend that what a needed is what I am getting now. A new way to think. Logic in the real world.

I like where we are. Tijuana is interesting. It has so many secrets. Some are great and others not so much. But the great ones are pretty great. I've gotten so used to just "going with the flow" that I don't really sense a big environment change. Actually I feel pretty comfy.

I pretty much have taken a CHILL PILL...there will always be time to stress.

The one year mark.

I have made it past the one year mark. 

As I reflect over the past year many things become apparent.

I could not have imagined that I would be where I am now. 

The divorce...Juan...life close to family and friends...it all went differently than I had planned for. 

The divorce went through in November. I had planned for it to be going through around now. 

I planned on being single and learning what it meant to be me.

I had planned on being there for my sister more and taking up all of Nina's weekend time. I feel like I was severely lacking in those areas, especially for the latter part of the year. 

As I reflect, many feelings emerge. I am more aware of the world and myself now than I was this time last year. 

Sam is a thing of the past. Someone I used to know. But did he ever know me?

Did I ever know me?

Sometimes I think of my life up until last year and wonder to myself, "Was I happier then?" But as I ponder, I'm not sure that is really the right question I should be asking. I was just different. And on top of that I think my happiness has actually increased.

I am excited for this upcoming year and what it means to be alive. 

TJ, San Fran, Guatemala, here I come.