Pieces of me

Literalmente, pieces of me.

No se, me senti pequena. Muy pequena.

Like an ant. Trying to get a message to an elephant. And my uselessness made me sad. My inability to pierce through makes me feel worthless.

In a way I caused it. In a way. But how can your argument be that your problems are more than mine. One problem, two problems, a million problems, shit it doesn't matter! They are all important.

Ahora va estar enojado conmigo. Concentrate.

Edge Hill

The sensation begins in the back of my head and runs down my spine, causing it to arch pushing my stomach outward. I feel faint and impaired. My vision slightly blurrs. My attention span reduces to just minutes, my brain to foggy to concentrate. My body feels like jelly and my stomach lurches at every sensation of unbalance. 

Yet I am relaxed. I know I'll be okay. I sit and try to enjoy the sensation.

See You Now

If I can't explain my reasons to anyone else then why fuck am I still with him? 

I should have left that night.

I not only realized that he does not really love me, he can enjoy seeing me in pain. How else would he have been able to tell me such horrible things?

Ya no te quiero en mi vida.

Puedo ser mamón y decir todo esta bien y mañana decirte que era una mentira.

Y al final llego a decir ¡que yo era su enemiga! El realmente pensó que le queria hacer daño. ¡Todo por un pinchi vaso de agua! 

Yo puedo admitir que reaccioné muy dratica, pero a mi se me iso ridiculó que se iba quedar sufriendo por que no le traje agua.

As I write this I realize, maybe I was making it all about me. He told me that.

I assumed he said that as a jab at me, but now that I think about it, he was feeling sick. He didnt want to get up. I would do the same if I felt sick. For me to get up in a huff and storm back with water would make anyone move to defense.

Its just that his defense is much more dark and destructive. He can turn  his conscious off. He is my vampire.

Still, he hurt you. Bad.

Yes, and while I think I may never recover I realized that all I need to do is enjoy life and enjoy being with Juan. If I hadn't of gotten upset we would have slept soundly that night.

Nina said something that really stuck with me. I told her that 

Amor, me tienes que prometer que nunca me vas a tratar hací otra vez. Es la unica manera que pudiera empezar de abrir mi corazon completamente. Sí, estamos juntos pero no sé si has notado que me alejé un poco. Lo que te dije en el baño no esta exagerado. Sí me dañas haci otra vez me vas a quebrar en pedazos que no voy a poder armar exactamente como estuvieron. Voy a ser alguien diferente. Voy a ser menos.

I dont think that is too much to ask for. Do you? I love him. I see a very interesting and fun life together. But is he right for you? He says you are right for him. The one. Why? Because I can cook and enjoy sucking his cock? Well, enjoyed is the better word to use. Sad as it is I dont feel that driving need to make his moan in pleasure like I used to. It scares me to think how he turned so evil. Specifically how it was directed at me. I thought I was the love of his life. And suddenly I was his enemy and wanted to  harm him! 

It hurt. The cut got me deep in the heart. love does not let that happen. 

But he is a vampire, Dora.

April 29th, 11:50pm

Yo puedo ver los momentos cuando no me realmente amabas. Quizas te gustaba la idea de mi y por eso me perdonabas o pedias perdon. 

Dices que me conoces bien. Sí, mi mente. Pero mi corazon no. 

Te dejo por que me lo pides. Te dejo por que es lo unico que puedo hacer para demostrarte que yo realmente te amo. 

No te peleo por que sé que no voy a ganar.

Y aun así, si peleo, nomas lo voy hacer mas peor para los dos. 

En las sombras

La señora es metiche. 

La señora se comporta como niña.

La señora esta triste.

¿Cuando mira a su vida, que piensa la señora?

¿Que perdio los mejores años de su vida? 

¿Que si puediera, regresaria a su niñez para hacerlo todo diferente?

Quizas si, quizas no. 

Recibimos el amor que piensas te mereces.

Cuando recibes más, lo dudas.

Disfrutalo.

No seas como la señora.

Aprendé.

Maduraté.

Vivé.

What is love?

Time is moving too fast and too slow at the same time. Days fly by with the breeze but the plans Ive made for my life seem so far away. Im not saying I want everything now, but I am expressing a concern for my seeming lack of progress. I guess I compare myself to the supposed social "norms" and I base my life on those. I am about to be divorced, Im doing online school and working part time which makes my life in general feel sub par. What can I say Ive really accomplished? Lived in different parts of the world? Got an AA? I feel pathetic. 

But I would like to assume that I am not the only one that feels this way. That others share that sense of failure although you are only at the beggining. This comforts and saddens me. Misery loves company but that really sucks that a lot of us struggle to have our shit together. 

In order to stay away from those thoughts and the negative feelings I associate with them, I just try to focus on what makes me happy.

A cool ocean breeze. 

Gummy bears and gummy bear songs.

My boyfriend. ;)

Getting high, listening to music, and blogging.

What is life anyway?

I say its happiness.

Lana made me do it

The other day I was waiting for the bf to finish in the bathroom and as I stared into space, high and relaxed, an interesting epiphany began to take form. As I thought about my bf and I another strain of thoughts went towards my ex. Specifically I wondered to myself why I could never fully give myself to him. During sex I was always reserved and revolted at the thought of having to work towards something that 98% of the time never came. But with my bf I crave him so badly my body shakes in pleasure when I finally kiss him or suck his glorious cock. 

I thought about the stark differences. I almost always cum now.  But I cant seem to give him enough pleasure to satisfy my urges. It is a new sensation for me, really. I remember the ex being that way though. I truly didn't love him as much as he loved me. I justified my life with him because he was a good provider and I knew Id always be ok. 

When I think of relationships I think of cavemen. As a woman you chose a man that can provide security and comfort. As a man you chose a woman that is agreeable to the eyes, good in bed, and can nurture both the man and the children. Sometimes I think of this and compare my bf to the "ideal man." He knows how to defend himself, he is highly intelligent, idealistic, and a kid at heart. His heavy past has equipped him with the tools to defend himself both mentally and physically. I really believe he is headed for greatness. He reaches high marks in each area. His weaknesses, though, are what seals the case. I can see his pain and to be able to give him something good brings me so much pleasure. 

With my ex, I never felt his weaknesses. He never let me in. Thus I never let him in. 

Train of Thought (choo choo)

(In the background Lana Del Rey's song Radio is playing)

The train tracks are not long, but they do take you to mang unimaginable places. One of these places is understanding. 

I arrived to this place about 20 minutes ago as I pondered my earlier work day.

(Now playing Florence + The Machine, Swimming)

I pondered many things, but mostlt people. My coworkers to be specific. One in particular whom I shall call Veronica. For some reason I've always felt a lot of antagonism from her. I, up to this point, had always assumed the reason was

(Music change to Angus and Julia Stone, Big Jet Plane acoustic version)

she still had strong feelings for my boyfriend. But although I tried to find ways to make that reason fit, I always felt like it was something different. 

As I rode those tracks of understanding I realized that lately I had been trying to get her to like me. I want to note that the specific words I used, "Get her to like me," were used because the whole thing seems childish to me. But regardless, here I was, trying to think of things to say that would interest her or things I can share about myself that could ease our tense relationship. 

Today in particular, I bought her a slurpee. When I handed it to her she said verbatim, "Oh I love you." I know she didn't mean actual love but the phrase is normally said when you are absolutely gracious and pleased with a person. I frankly, enjoyed hearing it.

(Missed an earlier song change cue to Lorde, A World Alone...sorry)

So back to why I was trying to say is that when I began dating my boyfriend, I had essentially "taken" away one of her best friends and work buddy. And I think seeing him with someone else hurt her but knew that it was supposed to be that way. That is where the antagonism came from. The heart of the problem is that I took one of her best friends, ex-boyfriend's (because they did date),

(Lana del Rey, Ride)

and attention giver. I think that now that some time has passed she is coming to accept it and give me a chance to be friends. And I am trying harder because I think it is important to be friends. We both care about my boyfriend and something important to him is important to us.

(Sia, Breathe Me has just begun to play)

When I finally reached understanding station I felt relieved. I no longer had to worry about her intentions. That I can actually let me guard down around her.

I guess my workday had been very productive today. While I did not know where my tracks led, I now see that the truth had been there all along. I just needed to find a place of understanding.

Time to get my workout on

Well maybe the Christine thing bothered me a little more than I let on. But I do not know how to let Juan know how I feel when I can barely describe it to myself. I think my inability to express my emotions out loud is getting to be old real fast. I need to be honest with myself and let my opinions and ideas be heard. I need to stop trying to keep the peace and just let it out instead of bottling it in.
I told Juan that I would work on it. Letting it continue happening is not working on it. But I honestly cannot figure out what is up with me.
Just recently I got super mega depressed all of a sudden. Juan and I went to buy Mexican food and once we got the house I took one bite and almost spat it out. I had lost my appetite. I also wanted to get some doritos, but when I walked in the bathroom, I just looked around and walked out again. It felt strange. I laid down and decided that maybe veg-ing out was the best thing to do since I had no desire to do anything all. But even that was asking too much. Finally I told Juan I was going to close my eyes. Instead I started crying and now Juan is asleep.
Its fucked up how little I know about myself. I hate that I cannot control my own emotions or at least explain to myself why I feel a certain way.
I think bottling things up is getting out of hand.

I need to get my ass to the gym.

The inevitable inevitableness

I've noticed that lately I've been getting far more tired than lately. Im not sure what it is, but I think I shouldn't ignore it. My eyes hurt more as well as my head occasionally. I think I'll mention it during my Dr's appointment.

Besides that, life has been going good. Juan and I are still hanging in there, knowing that in the end, we are worth it. I know that he is worth it. He is something that I will never get to be. But luckily I am able to sit back and watch it all happen before my eyes.

The only change in life has been with the sis. Things got intense (not sure if that is the right word to use) and Im pretty sure Chinita is mad with me. I guess having dad here threw off our harmony. Not sure.

Well just wanted to spew some thoughts out while I waited for my nails to dry.

-D

Sad hi

You can be sad when you are high. That was the answer to a question I had once when I was high. "Is it even possible to be sad?" I asked my boyfriend in a laughing hysterical manner. Little did I know that not only can you be sad when you are high, but that it intensifies the feeling so you feel even more sad. How fucked up is that? Not more fucked up than the way I found that answer out. I began to have a panic attack right in the middle of the bathroom. Fan-tastic, I tell you what. 

So a big resounding YES was my answer.

And now I am here to tell you, try not to be sad when you are high. It is far better to be happy as hell.

Untitled

So, I left my chapstick in the car. And Im not heading out in the blazing heat just to retireve it. I'd rather wait. Actually it would be better to say I'd rather keep waiting. I am currently waiting for the reason I have work today.  A gentleman by the name of Joe. 

This work shirt is ridiculously hot. If it wasn't for the strong AC vent I am sitting under, Id be sweating like a beast. Honestly, who thought a long sleeve, thick blue button up shirt was the best design for this particular job? I understand if maybe I lived in the snow. But not Southern California. I guess that is what happens when you try to fit one format across several different areas.

Anywho, so I was supposed to start about 50 min ago. The problem with the job I am doing now is that I have to wait for these guys. I cannot just go in and out as scheduled. I definitely did not sign up for this...I need a new job.

Speaking of, I suppose I'll take this time to job hunt instead of blabbling away. Great idea. TTFN ta ta for now

Inferno

Aveces lo que necesita la vida es una perspectiva diferente. Por ejemplo, qué pensaria de mi vida si algun dia alguien viene y me dice <<ya no puedes vivir esta vida. Ahora vas a vivir está>> y la otra vida que me presenta es tan diferente que ni sé por donde empezar todos los cambios. ¿Extrañaria la vida que tengo ahora? ¿O la dejaria sin una mirada atras?

Exactamento eso me acábo de pasar en febrero. En menos de un mes mi vida cambio completamente. Y agora cuando pienso en esa vida siento muchas diferentes emociones. De primero, siento los buenos momentos. ¿Porque sentir los buenos momentos primero? Por que no es justo pensar que mi vida horrible. Solo por que no funciono entre Sam y yo no quiere decir que no estaba feliz. No seria justo a el ni a mi si no puedo aceptar que mi vida era buena y que tuve un monton de momentos bonitos. 

Pero a la misma vez, por pensar en esos momentos bonitos no quiere decir que quiero regresar. Nomas quiere decir que no siento que deje mi vida echarse a perder. Lo unico que puedo hacer ahora es tomar esas memorias y intentar a guardarlas como una parte de mi vida que nunca voy a olvidar y que nunca va regresar a ser lo mismo. 

Una cosa que pasa cuando cambia tu vida por completo es que aceptas lo que tienes que hacer y te das cuenta que la vida sigue. El sol sale, los pajaros cantan, y bebes nacen cada dia. Nada para. Entonces solo es logico que tu vida va seguir tambien. Lo unico que tienes que decidir es si quieres seguir viviendo o resignarte para siempre.

Una cosa que me ayudo tremendamente es realizar que podia hacer cualquier cosa con mi vida. Y esa realicion me ayudo mucho. Enves de tener miedo de lo que iba pasar, estaba contenta y lista.

Y ahora estoy aqui, otra vez feliz y disfrutando el tiempo.

Mirando a mi vida y lo que a pasado y cambiado me hace pensar que talvez estoy suficiente fuerte a seguir el camino que se a presentado a mi.

No sé que va pasar o si algun dia voy a leer esto y pensar <<¿de que pendejadas estaba hablando?>> pero espero que por lo menos aprendo como vivir lo mas posible y mas que todo, estare feliz.

Toothpaste and cranberry juice

Life is not perfect. It shouldn't be.

Things need to be difficult. They need to be annoying or frustrating. Because without those unpleasant moments, you will never know the joy of having a moment when everything feels almost perfect. As we grow up, life becomes less about the simple worries of a child and more about survival. You work to eat, to have a home, and to be able to occasionally find those small moments that make you feel like you would not change your life for the world. When you find those almost perfect moments everything inside of you clicks and you grab that moment and hold it as tight as you can. You cherish it and snuggle it because you know that it is only for a moment.

Then, when things become unpleasant once again or the routine of the day makes you feel like you are trapped in an infinite loop, you resurrect that moment in your mind and cherish it all over again.

There is a duality to life that cannot be avoided. To have happiness you must have sorrow. To be happy you must also be sad.

And to understand that life is not perfect and that once in a while you will find those almost perfect moments makes it that much easier to accept the unpleasant feelings of stress and desperation.

Life is not hard. As long as you have the courage to accept it for what it is and what it will never be.

28

Yo soy Numero 28. 

No sé como me siento saber eso.

Quizas me deveria de sentir mal...y sí me siento un poquito mal, pero la sensacíon mas profunda que tengo ahorita es en forma de una pregunta. 

Yo soy Numero 28, pero va ver un Numero 29? 

No quiero ser nomas otro Numero. Pero aveces me siento que el me dice estas cosas para que sea lista para lo peor. No sé...estos son los pensamientos que estan corriendo locos por mi mente.

No me molesta que el numero es tan alto. Cada novia antes de mi le enseñó algo importante: Que quiere de una mujer y que no quiere.

Yo creo que mi inseguridad viene del no saber que exactamente yo tengo que las otras no. No me siento mas especial. Pero el dice que sí la soy.

Pues por lo menos puedo tomar el puesto de Numero 28 y quizas tambien de la ultima novia.

Hay muchas cosas mas corriendo por mi mente. Pero no las puedo explicar ahorita y ademas no creo que es necesario. Hay que tomar el tiempo dia por dia y envés de volverme loca sobre algo que no puedo controlar, como el pasado, voy a seguir viviendo en el presente, calmada y feliz. Y con el.

Jobs

As I sit in the living room doing homework of my boyfriends house, a thought occurs to me: I have no loyalty to my job. I could care less about what happens to them (as a company). Humm...time to change jobs.

Too high too low

When I'm high, I'm really high.

When I'm low, I'm lower than low.

With you, I am a mess.

I cannot live without you.

That is a truth I must stress.

My distress is that we cannot always be high.

Eventually you must come down.

To know the high, you must know the low.

And the low sucks. But it is not permanent.

The highs and lows of life come and go. 

All one can do is raise their arms into the sky, scream at the top of their lungs, and just let life go.

Por Juan

Te veo y muchas cosas pasan por mi mente.
No se como me encontraste tan rapido.
Pero gracias.
Gracias por estar ahi
Gracias por todo tu apollo
Gracias por amar esta nina tonta y extrana.

Me salvaste
Me sacaste de el terror
No mas me ofreces amor
Y es todo lo que necesito

Todavia tengo un poco miedo
Pero tambien tengo el corage
De seguir
La fuerza
No me voy a rendir

The black caves in

Before I hide away again, I need to get this out.

I'm scared.
So scared.
To be on my own.
Without anyone but myself.
This is not where I expected to be.
This is not what I wanted.
I thought I found my slice of life.
My peace.
But instead I have been thrust out again
On my own.
I'm scared.
I want to go back.
I want to go back!
To the security.
To my house.
To my animals.
To my home.
I know I can go on.
But I'm scared.

Raw

I am too open in my blog posts. I want to share this blog with Juan, but Im scared for him to know the whole truth. I don't want him to think the worst of me. I already do.

Am I loosing myself already? I think so. 

I just wanted to make pancakes. Sigh.

Fleeting thoughts...

I am beautiful?

Well I know I am not ugly. But am I beautiful?

When I think of the word beautiful, I think of someone who's insides match their outsides.

Smile in the dark

I have slowly settled into Cali. I'm getting more and more used to the thought that I am out here for good. I mean it is hard to swallow that when I am staying at my sister's house, but I think it will all get easier when I finally have my own place and I am doing my own thing.

Things right now consist of work, school, money, and well, money again. Lets do money x2. lol. But money then goes back to work and basically I just need to find a better job. I'm trying not to get overwhelmed with all the things I need to do and keep track of. Maybe I should make a list.

1.Find better job.
2. Talk to AT&T about my own plan. Or see if I can hop on someone else's.
3.Find an apartment.

Okay, so the list isn't that bad. At least #2 is super doable. Just #1 and #3 require more thought. And time. And money. Sigh.

Overall though, I think I am ok. Counseling is kind of helping. I'm not sure how I feel about it yet. Next Thursday will be my third session.

My birthday is next Friday. I am...apathetic? Just excited to eat sushi and drink I guess.
Jay is coming down from San Fran to visit me. I hope things dont get complicated with Dallas because of it...I dont think it should.

Anywho, yesterday was mom's bday. I missed her, but for the most part I wasn't really thinking about her. It makes me sad to say that, but it is the truth. I guess its how we cope.

Well I am going to continue taking it a day at a time and striving to continue smiling in the dark.

Sandwiches

So this post has nothing to do with sandwiches. I just thought, "What should I name this post?" and sandwiches popped in my head. So voila...thus appeared the name of this post.

A few things have occurred since my last post. I went to the counselor, and although it was weird at first, by the end I was glad I had gone. And I'm looking forward to next week's session. The doctor didn't tell me I am dying, so that makes me happy. Turns out HPV is very common and can go away on its own. I also started BC, so things can be easy peasy in September.

Today I spent the greater part of the day with Anthony apartment hunting. We found a couple of places we are interested in, and we are actually going to look at one tomorrow morning.

Life is...going. Sam said he was going to transfer my taxes money to me soon and asked for my account number and whatnot. I am thinking about the best way to handle it. I do not want to blow it on anything, but I do have some debt I would like to get rid of.

But I am going to save a few hundred bucks for my birthday. I am not planning on doing anything crazy, but I do want to have a little bit of spending monies.

Overall, I just have to remember that I am going to be okay and that things will work out as long as I make the right choices for me and not get too far off track from where I want my life to be.

A new chapter

I realized today, that as I writer, I was suffering by not having an outlet to let my thoughts flow.

I deleted my previous blog due to various reasons, but mostly to the fact that its contents were no longer relevant. The posts were all about my life with Sam. And I do not have that anymore. So why would I torture myself by keeping the proof of a life that no longer existed?

It seriously felt like someone died. And in fact several people died. The kids that Sam and I would have had, died. Their kids died. And their kids. And so on. I was mourning their loss as well as the loss of a life that I dedicated myself to but no longer could continue as it was.

I cannot say I don't miss Sam. Because I do. But at the same time, I do not miss him so much that I want to go back. I miss his comfort and security. But do I really miss HIM? I am not so sure how to answer that question.  I suppose if I had to answer quickly, I would say, "no." I feel slightly dead inside writing that. But at least I am being honest.

I miss writing. It hurts me that Sam took that away from me. I will find the joy again in typing/hand writing away whatever comes to mind.

Today I am feeling especially...depressed.

I am going to go see a counselor. And then a doctor that is going to tell me that there is shit wrong with me.

I...want to hide away.  Retreat and ignore and lick my wounds, alone in a small dark corner.

But instead, I am going to get up and force myself to do what I need to do. I cannot hide like I want to. It is not an option.

I'll just smile and pretend to myself that I am truly okay and that things will be better one day.