Independence Day

Independence Day is coming up. For me the important dates in July are the 4th and 12th.  On the former day the US celebrates their freedom from their european possesors. On the latter day in 1993 my little brother Anthony was born.  Both days are supposed to be a day of celebration and they are. But independence day for me does not mean celebration but instead a day of mourning.
On July 4th of 2001 my mother died.

I grieve for you

You leave me

'So hard to move on

Still loving what's gone

They say life carries on

Carries on and on and on and on

"Grieve" by Peter Gabriel

Honestly over the years that day has been getting easier to ignore and get through. I think last year I didn't even notice it had been the 4th until a couple days after. It doesn't mean I am forgetting my mother. It just means that while I can still remember the pain, the wound does not hurt me like it used to. I miss her. I know that if she were here my life would be completely different. But I hope that from heaven she is watching me and approves of how I've turned out. I hope I haven't let her down and I just want her to know that I love her and she will never stop being in my heart and mind.

I think about how I've been changing. I am no longer that same immature girl I used to be but I still do not feel completely like an adult. Too many silly fears bother me and I know it has to do with how I was taught. Although I wish I could have said I was a rebel when I was younger, I really did not do anything rebellious. I understand that who I want to be has nothing to do with being more rebellious. But in saying NO and doing my own thing I feel rebellious. I am going against what is expected of me and I am the one that holds those expectations. Basically I am fighting myself and even though I fully acknowledge this, I cannot do anything to make it easier for myself. Why? Because I am not naturally inclined to do so!

I am trapped in an evil cycle with my desire to be different and inability to escape my own mind.

So how do I overcome such a futile feat? Pure willpower. I will myself to get out of my comfort box and suffer through the horrible feelings of guilt and impotency in the pit of my stomach. It can get exhausting but as I continue learning I realize that my road to happiness lies in my ability to master myself and REALLY learn what I want and who I am. That makes it all worth it and in the end I hope I can look back and think to myself that I enjoyed the ride.

Independece Day is two days away and I will make sure to set apart some time for my mother that day. I cannot visit her body because she is stashed away somewhere in 212, but I can give her my thoughts and well wishes wherever she is.

I love you mom.