Edge Hill

The sensation begins in the back of my head and runs down my spine, causing it to arch pushing my stomach outward. I feel faint and impaired. My vision slightly blurrs. My attention span reduces to just minutes, my brain to foggy to concentrate. My body feels like jelly and my stomach lurches at every sensation of unbalance. 

Yet I am relaxed. I know I'll be okay. I sit and try to enjoy the sensation.

See You Now

If I can't explain my reasons to anyone else then why fuck am I still with him? 

I should have left that night.

I not only realized that he does not really love me, he can enjoy seeing me in pain. How else would he have been able to tell me such horrible things?

Ya no te quiero en mi vida.

Puedo ser mamón y decir todo esta bien y mañana decirte que era una mentira.

Y al final llego a decir ¡que yo era su enemiga! El realmente pensó que le queria hacer daño. ¡Todo por un pinchi vaso de agua! 

Yo puedo admitir que reaccioné muy dratica, pero a mi se me iso ridiculó que se iba quedar sufriendo por que no le traje agua.

As I write this I realize, maybe I was making it all about me. He told me that.

I assumed he said that as a jab at me, but now that I think about it, he was feeling sick. He didnt want to get up. I would do the same if I felt sick. For me to get up in a huff and storm back with water would make anyone move to defense.

Its just that his defense is much more dark and destructive. He can turn  his conscious off. He is my vampire.

Still, he hurt you. Bad.

Yes, and while I think I may never recover I realized that all I need to do is enjoy life and enjoy being with Juan. If I hadn't of gotten upset we would have slept soundly that night.

Nina said something that really stuck with me. I told her that 

Amor, me tienes que prometer que nunca me vas a tratar hací otra vez. Es la unica manera que pudiera empezar de abrir mi corazon completamente. Sí, estamos juntos pero no sé si has notado que me alejé un poco. Lo que te dije en el baño no esta exagerado. Sí me dañas haci otra vez me vas a quebrar en pedazos que no voy a poder armar exactamente como estuvieron. Voy a ser alguien diferente. Voy a ser menos.

I dont think that is too much to ask for. Do you? I love him. I see a very interesting and fun life together. But is he right for you? He says you are right for him. The one. Why? Because I can cook and enjoy sucking his cock? Well, enjoyed is the better word to use. Sad as it is I dont feel that driving need to make his moan in pleasure like I used to. It scares me to think how he turned so evil. Specifically how it was directed at me. I thought I was the love of his life. And suddenly I was his enemy and wanted to  harm him! 

It hurt. The cut got me deep in the heart. love does not let that happen. 

But he is a vampire, Dora.