Train of Thought (choo choo)

(In the background Lana Del Rey's song Radio is playing)

The train tracks are not long, but they do take you to mang unimaginable places. One of these places is understanding. 

I arrived to this place about 20 minutes ago as I pondered my earlier work day.

(Now playing Florence + The Machine, Swimming)

I pondered many things, but mostlt people. My coworkers to be specific. One in particular whom I shall call Veronica. For some reason I've always felt a lot of antagonism from her. I, up to this point, had always assumed the reason was

(Music change to Angus and Julia Stone, Big Jet Plane acoustic version)

she still had strong feelings for my boyfriend. But although I tried to find ways to make that reason fit, I always felt like it was something different. 

As I rode those tracks of understanding I realized that lately I had been trying to get her to like me. I want to note that the specific words I used, "Get her to like me," were used because the whole thing seems childish to me. But regardless, here I was, trying to think of things to say that would interest her or things I can share about myself that could ease our tense relationship. 

Today in particular, I bought her a slurpee. When I handed it to her she said verbatim, "Oh I love you." I know she didn't mean actual love but the phrase is normally said when you are absolutely gracious and pleased with a person. I frankly, enjoyed hearing it.

(Missed an earlier song change cue to Lorde, A World Alone...sorry)

So back to why I was trying to say is that when I began dating my boyfriend, I had essentially "taken" away one of her best friends and work buddy. And I think seeing him with someone else hurt her but knew that it was supposed to be that way. That is where the antagonism came from. The heart of the problem is that I took one of her best friends, ex-boyfriend's (because they did date),

(Lana del Rey, Ride)

and attention giver. I think that now that some time has passed she is coming to accept it and give me a chance to be friends. And I am trying harder because I think it is important to be friends. We both care about my boyfriend and something important to him is important to us.

(Sia, Breathe Me has just begun to play)

When I finally reached understanding station I felt relieved. I no longer had to worry about her intentions. That I can actually let me guard down around her.

I guess my workday had been very productive today. While I did not know where my tracks led, I now see that the truth had been there all along. I just needed to find a place of understanding.

Time to get my workout on

Well maybe the Christine thing bothered me a little more than I let on. But I do not know how to let Juan know how I feel when I can barely describe it to myself. I think my inability to express my emotions out loud is getting to be old real fast. I need to be honest with myself and let my opinions and ideas be heard. I need to stop trying to keep the peace and just let it out instead of bottling it in.
I told Juan that I would work on it. Letting it continue happening is not working on it. But I honestly cannot figure out what is up with me.
Just recently I got super mega depressed all of a sudden. Juan and I went to buy Mexican food and once we got the house I took one bite and almost spat it out. I had lost my appetite. I also wanted to get some doritos, but when I walked in the bathroom, I just looked around and walked out again. It felt strange. I laid down and decided that maybe veg-ing out was the best thing to do since I had no desire to do anything all. But even that was asking too much. Finally I told Juan I was going to close my eyes. Instead I started crying and now Juan is asleep.
Its fucked up how little I know about myself. I hate that I cannot control my own emotions or at least explain to myself why I feel a certain way.
I think bottling things up is getting out of hand.

I need to get my ass to the gym.

The inevitable inevitableness

I've noticed that lately I've been getting far more tired than lately. Im not sure what it is, but I think I shouldn't ignore it. My eyes hurt more as well as my head occasionally. I think I'll mention it during my Dr's appointment.

Besides that, life has been going good. Juan and I are still hanging in there, knowing that in the end, we are worth it. I know that he is worth it. He is something that I will never get to be. But luckily I am able to sit back and watch it all happen before my eyes.

The only change in life has been with the sis. Things got intense (not sure if that is the right word to use) and Im pretty sure Chinita is mad with me. I guess having dad here threw off our harmony. Not sure.

Well just wanted to spew some thoughts out while I waited for my nails to dry.

-D

Sad hi

You can be sad when you are high. That was the answer to a question I had once when I was high. "Is it even possible to be sad?" I asked my boyfriend in a laughing hysterical manner. Little did I know that not only can you be sad when you are high, but that it intensifies the feeling so you feel even more sad. How fucked up is that? Not more fucked up than the way I found that answer out. I began to have a panic attack right in the middle of the bathroom. Fan-tastic, I tell you what. 

So a big resounding YES was my answer.

And now I am here to tell you, try not to be sad when you are high. It is far better to be happy as hell.