April 29th, 11:50pm

Yo puedo ver los momentos cuando no me realmente amabas. Quizas te gustaba la idea de mi y por eso me perdonabas o pedias perdon. 

Dices que me conoces bien. Sí, mi mente. Pero mi corazon no. 

Te dejo por que me lo pides. Te dejo por que es lo unico que puedo hacer para demostrarte que yo realmente te amo. 

No te peleo por que sé que no voy a ganar.

Y aun así, si peleo, nomas lo voy hacer mas peor para los dos. 

En las sombras

La señora es metiche. 

La señora se comporta como niña.

La señora esta triste.

¿Cuando mira a su vida, que piensa la señora?

¿Que perdio los mejores años de su vida? 

¿Que si puediera, regresaria a su niñez para hacerlo todo diferente?

Quizas si, quizas no. 

Recibimos el amor que piensas te mereces.

Cuando recibes más, lo dudas.

Disfrutalo.

No seas como la señora.

Aprendé.

Maduraté.

Vivé.

What is love?

Time is moving too fast and too slow at the same time. Days fly by with the breeze but the plans Ive made for my life seem so far away. Im not saying I want everything now, but I am expressing a concern for my seeming lack of progress. I guess I compare myself to the supposed social "norms" and I base my life on those. I am about to be divorced, Im doing online school and working part time which makes my life in general feel sub par. What can I say Ive really accomplished? Lived in different parts of the world? Got an AA? I feel pathetic. 

But I would like to assume that I am not the only one that feels this way. That others share that sense of failure although you are only at the beggining. This comforts and saddens me. Misery loves company but that really sucks that a lot of us struggle to have our shit together. 

In order to stay away from those thoughts and the negative feelings I associate with them, I just try to focus on what makes me happy.

A cool ocean breeze. 

Gummy bears and gummy bear songs.

My boyfriend. ;)

Getting high, listening to music, and blogging.

What is life anyway?

I say its happiness.

Lana made me do it

The other day I was waiting for the bf to finish in the bathroom and as I stared into space, high and relaxed, an interesting epiphany began to take form. As I thought about my bf and I another strain of thoughts went towards my ex. Specifically I wondered to myself why I could never fully give myself to him. During sex I was always reserved and revolted at the thought of having to work towards something that 98% of the time never came. But with my bf I crave him so badly my body shakes in pleasure when I finally kiss him or suck his glorious cock. 

I thought about the stark differences. I almost always cum now.  But I cant seem to give him enough pleasure to satisfy my urges. It is a new sensation for me, really. I remember the ex being that way though. I truly didn't love him as much as he loved me. I justified my life with him because he was a good provider and I knew Id always be ok. 

When I think of relationships I think of cavemen. As a woman you chose a man that can provide security and comfort. As a man you chose a woman that is agreeable to the eyes, good in bed, and can nurture both the man and the children. Sometimes I think of this and compare my bf to the "ideal man." He knows how to defend himself, he is highly intelligent, idealistic, and a kid at heart. His heavy past has equipped him with the tools to defend himself both mentally and physically. I really believe he is headed for greatness. He reaches high marks in each area. His weaknesses, though, are what seals the case. I can see his pain and to be able to give him something good brings me so much pleasure. 

With my ex, I never felt his weaknesses. He never let me in. Thus I never let him in. 

Train of Thought (choo choo)

(In the background Lana Del Rey's song Radio is playing)

The train tracks are not long, but they do take you to mang unimaginable places. One of these places is understanding. 

I arrived to this place about 20 minutes ago as I pondered my earlier work day.

(Now playing Florence + The Machine, Swimming)

I pondered many things, but mostlt people. My coworkers to be specific. One in particular whom I shall call Veronica. For some reason I've always felt a lot of antagonism from her. I, up to this point, had always assumed the reason was

(Music change to Angus and Julia Stone, Big Jet Plane acoustic version)

she still had strong feelings for my boyfriend. But although I tried to find ways to make that reason fit, I always felt like it was something different. 

As I rode those tracks of understanding I realized that lately I had been trying to get her to like me. I want to note that the specific words I used, "Get her to like me," were used because the whole thing seems childish to me. But regardless, here I was, trying to think of things to say that would interest her or things I can share about myself that could ease our tense relationship. 

Today in particular, I bought her a slurpee. When I handed it to her she said verbatim, "Oh I love you." I know she didn't mean actual love but the phrase is normally said when you are absolutely gracious and pleased with a person. I frankly, enjoyed hearing it.

(Missed an earlier song change cue to Lorde, A World Alone...sorry)

So back to why I was trying to say is that when I began dating my boyfriend, I had essentially "taken" away one of her best friends and work buddy. And I think seeing him with someone else hurt her but knew that it was supposed to be that way. That is where the antagonism came from. The heart of the problem is that I took one of her best friends, ex-boyfriend's (because they did date),

(Lana del Rey, Ride)

and attention giver. I think that now that some time has passed she is coming to accept it and give me a chance to be friends. And I am trying harder because I think it is important to be friends. We both care about my boyfriend and something important to him is important to us.

(Sia, Breathe Me has just begun to play)

When I finally reached understanding station I felt relieved. I no longer had to worry about her intentions. That I can actually let me guard down around her.

I guess my workday had been very productive today. While I did not know where my tracks led, I now see that the truth had been there all along. I just needed to find a place of understanding.

Time to get my workout on

Well maybe the Christine thing bothered me a little more than I let on. But I do not know how to let Juan know how I feel when I can barely describe it to myself. I think my inability to express my emotions out loud is getting to be old real fast. I need to be honest with myself and let my opinions and ideas be heard. I need to stop trying to keep the peace and just let it out instead of bottling it in.
I told Juan that I would work on it. Letting it continue happening is not working on it. But I honestly cannot figure out what is up with me.
Just recently I got super mega depressed all of a sudden. Juan and I went to buy Mexican food and once we got the house I took one bite and almost spat it out. I had lost my appetite. I also wanted to get some doritos, but when I walked in the bathroom, I just looked around and walked out again. It felt strange. I laid down and decided that maybe veg-ing out was the best thing to do since I had no desire to do anything all. But even that was asking too much. Finally I told Juan I was going to close my eyes. Instead I started crying and now Juan is asleep.
Its fucked up how little I know about myself. I hate that I cannot control my own emotions or at least explain to myself why I feel a certain way.
I think bottling things up is getting out of hand.

I need to get my ass to the gym.

The inevitable inevitableness

I've noticed that lately I've been getting far more tired than lately. Im not sure what it is, but I think I shouldn't ignore it. My eyes hurt more as well as my head occasionally. I think I'll mention it during my Dr's appointment.

Besides that, life has been going good. Juan and I are still hanging in there, knowing that in the end, we are worth it. I know that he is worth it. He is something that I will never get to be. But luckily I am able to sit back and watch it all happen before my eyes.

The only change in life has been with the sis. Things got intense (not sure if that is the right word to use) and Im pretty sure Chinita is mad with me. I guess having dad here threw off our harmony. Not sure.

Well just wanted to spew some thoughts out while I waited for my nails to dry.

-D