mickeys

So here I am, sitting in mcdonalds waiting another hour or so to start work.
I had an interesting morning.
First this morning on the roundabout a guy on a motorcycle assumed I was turning when I was heading around. I immediately breaker when i saw his bike get jammed beneath my car and he went sideways and flew off his bike. Luckily he was okay just a bit scratched up and the bike was fine as well. Also since it was so early there hardly was traffic, but still it was not a fun experience for me. If a cop would have shown up I'm not sure what I would have done. I'm lucky things were ok. If he had broken a leg what would I have done? Well take him to the hospital, duh, but do I pay him? I suppose so...although I'm pretty sure he just got up and left because he knew it was his fault. Por estar aventandose.
I am tired...these past few weeks have felt heavy. I thought being in tj meant a more relaxed form of living. I suppose I shouldn't complain. At least I am getting hours. I am starting to get tired of this routine and the people I work with. I really need to evaluate what I want and how I will get where I want to be. Even though I don't know what that is yet. I just need something more than this.

8.23.15

Dear John,

I have so many things I want to say but I will try to keep it simple. Thank you.

Thank you for all the wonderful memories. Thank you for letting me follow you around without my shirt on because you also did not have it on and sit with you in your yellow bean bag chair. Thank you for teaching me how to make jame and lending me your stuffed green bell pepper recipe.

You have been a wonderful grandfather and godparent to me. You have shown me so many beautiful things.

I always knew that you cared. While I was in Okinawa, when I came home to visit we talked about the weather over there and when you went to Japan.

I know you are in peace now, and eventually so will I. I'm just sorry I couldn't say goodbye. I hope to one day see you again and make up for that. Until then, I have written you this letter letting you know how much I will miss you, how much I cared for you, and how you will always have a place in my thoughts and heart.

I love you,
Dora

PS- If you see my mom, say Hi to her for me and please fill her in. ;)

Peter Gabriel- I Grieve

It was only one hour ago

It was all so different then

Nothing yet has really sunk in

Looks like it always did

This flesh and bone

Its just the way that we are tied in

But there's no one home

We (I) grieve, for you

You leave, us (me)

So hard to move on 

Still loving what's gone

They say life carries on

Carries on and on and on

Independence Day

Independence Day is coming up. For me the important dates in July are the 4th and 12th.  On the former day the US celebrates their freedom from their european possesors. On the latter day in 1993 my little brother Anthony was born.  Both days are supposed to be a day of celebration and they are. But independence day for me does not mean celebration but instead a day of mourning.
On July 4th of 2001 my mother died.

I grieve for you

You leave me

'So hard to move on

Still loving what's gone

They say life carries on

Carries on and on and on and on

"Grieve" by Peter Gabriel

Honestly over the years that day has been getting easier to ignore and get through. I think last year I didn't even notice it had been the 4th until a couple days after. It doesn't mean I am forgetting my mother. It just means that while I can still remember the pain, the wound does not hurt me like it used to. I miss her. I know that if she were here my life would be completely different. But I hope that from heaven she is watching me and approves of how I've turned out. I hope I haven't let her down and I just want her to know that I love her and she will never stop being in my heart and mind.

I think about how I've been changing. I am no longer that same immature girl I used to be but I still do not feel completely like an adult. Too many silly fears bother me and I know it has to do with how I was taught. Although I wish I could have said I was a rebel when I was younger, I really did not do anything rebellious. I understand that who I want to be has nothing to do with being more rebellious. But in saying NO and doing my own thing I feel rebellious. I am going against what is expected of me and I am the one that holds those expectations. Basically I am fighting myself and even though I fully acknowledge this, I cannot do anything to make it easier for myself. Why? Because I am not naturally inclined to do so!

I am trapped in an evil cycle with my desire to be different and inability to escape my own mind.

So how do I overcome such a futile feat? Pure willpower. I will myself to get out of my comfort box and suffer through the horrible feelings of guilt and impotency in the pit of my stomach. It can get exhausting but as I continue learning I realize that my road to happiness lies in my ability to master myself and REALLY learn what I want and who I am. That makes it all worth it and in the end I hope I can look back and think to myself that I enjoyed the ride.

Independece Day is two days away and I will make sure to set apart some time for my mother that day. I cannot visit her body because she is stashed away somewhere in 212, but I can give her my thoughts and well wishes wherever she is.

I love you mom. 

B.F.F.s

I do not know how I feel about Lana. I feel like she is holding a lot back. It bothers me that I do not know for sure what is going through her mind.
It makes me sad.
She has been my best friend for a long time and I never want to lose the relationship I have with her, but the something left unspoken has planted a seed of doubt in my mind.

Mi abuelita

Mi abuelita esta en el hospital.
Mi grandma is in the hospital.
She had a stroke yesterday morning and has been in intensive care since. The most current news from my sister Claudia is that she has been tied down due to aggressiveness, she will have memory failure, and they will not let the family see her. My dad and my aunt Pichi are not too good, both of them probably feeling unimaginable pain. But maybe not as much pain as my grandma. She has a temporary pace maker and again, according to Claudia, they are talking about doing surgery to unclog the artery that is killing her and put a permanent pace maker.
The whole situation has me in a weird place emotionally.
Of course I am deeply saddened, worried, scared that mi abuelita as I last saw her exists no longer. I will cherish the few memories I have of her. The most prominent is the one of her dancing. She was so carefree. Coincidentally I have a small memory of my mom dancing. She had the same look of complete inhibition. 
I hate that I am so far away. That I cannot just teleport to the hospital. I want to be supportive. 
At the same time, I feel slightly hurt at the fact that my dad didn't tell me what happened when he told Chinita. And I doubt it is because he forgot. He even later sent me a message telling me to ask if Chinita had seen his messages. But that is it. Nothing about what it was about. Then, Chinita posts on fb that she is worried about mi abuelita. Alarms go off in my head. I text her and tell her dad's message and she says she already replied. Then she fills me in that abuelita had a stroke. Hours later, after seeing my response on Chinita's post, my dad messages me to tell me what happened.
I don't know...as I write this I realize that I may be overreacting. Okay, dad didn't tell me. But in his defense he has a lot of things going on. Important things. Things that may make him not even think about informing his youngest daughter. Ugh, I do not know! I feel like there is no right answer. He should have told me. I shouldn't be mad, though.

In conclusion, I am worried.
I love her very much. Losing her without being able to enjoy her more...is very painful. I am thankful for the small amount of time I did have. It was not wasted.

Please forgive me

Life has changed again for me.

This time, I am in a house that has seen better years. But all I see are the future years of growth and improvement. What this house has been through not only includes Juan's childhood, but that of his parents and before them. Too see it grow will be inevitable.

I have noticed that my thought process has changed. I really am not the same person I was in January of last year.
I've noticed that the repetitive fights I've had with Juan have been leaving their mark. I do not clam up. I am more sure of what I want yet I am willing to seriously consider what Juan says. We grew up in two different mentalities. I had the one with sunshine and rainbows. I thank my parents for letting me have that. But at an early age, Juan already knew that the world was a horrible place with bad people that did bad things. He knew it so well, he thrived in that environment and relished off the power it gave him.

But what I think that is happening is I am beginning to understand more. I am letting go of my old ways of thinking, AKA my "bubble," and actually letting reality in. It is costing me more than I thought it would. I remember a few years back rejoicing about maturing. As I reflect on that moment now all I can think is, "Dora, you never grew up! You are still a child! Dumb ass." And it is in this realization that I comprehend that what a needed is what I am getting now. A new way to think. Logic in the real world.

I like where we are. Tijuana is interesting. It has so many secrets. Some are great and others not so much. But the great ones are pretty great. I've gotten so used to just "going with the flow" that I don't really sense a big environment change. Actually I feel pretty comfy.

I pretty much have taken a CHILL PILL...there will always be time to stress.

The one year mark.

I have made it past the one year mark. 

As I reflect over the past year many things become apparent.

I could not have imagined that I would be where I am now. 

The divorce...Juan...life close to family and friends...it all went differently than I had planned for. 

The divorce went through in November. I had planned for it to be going through around now. 

I planned on being single and learning what it meant to be me.

I had planned on being there for my sister more and taking up all of Nina's weekend time. I feel like I was severely lacking in those areas, especially for the latter part of the year. 

As I reflect, many feelings emerge. I am more aware of the world and myself now than I was this time last year. 

Sam is a thing of the past. Someone I used to know. But did he ever know me?

Did I ever know me?

Sometimes I think of my life up until last year and wonder to myself, "Was I happier then?" But as I ponder, I'm not sure that is really the right question I should be asking. I was just different. And on top of that I think my happiness has actually increased.

I am excited for this upcoming year and what it means to be alive. 

TJ, San Fran, Guatemala, here I come. 

Pieces of me

Literalmente, pieces of me.

No se, me senti pequena. Muy pequena.

Like an ant. Trying to get a message to an elephant. And my uselessness made me sad. My inability to pierce through makes me feel worthless.

In a way I caused it. In a way. But how can your argument be that your problems are more than mine. One problem, two problems, a million problems, shit it doesn't matter! They are all important.

Ahora va estar enojado conmigo. Concentrate.

Edge Hill

The sensation begins in the back of my head and runs down my spine, causing it to arch pushing my stomach outward. I feel faint and impaired. My vision slightly blurrs. My attention span reduces to just minutes, my brain to foggy to concentrate. My body feels like jelly and my stomach lurches at every sensation of unbalance. 

Yet I am relaxed. I know I'll be okay. I sit and try to enjoy the sensation.

See You Now

If I can't explain my reasons to anyone else then why fuck am I still with him? 

I should have left that night.

I not only realized that he does not really love me, he can enjoy seeing me in pain. How else would he have been able to tell me such horrible things?

Ya no te quiero en mi vida.

Puedo ser mamón y decir todo esta bien y mañana decirte que era una mentira.

Y al final llego a decir ¡que yo era su enemiga! El realmente pensó que le queria hacer daño. ¡Todo por un pinchi vaso de agua! 

Yo puedo admitir que reaccioné muy dratica, pero a mi se me iso ridiculó que se iba quedar sufriendo por que no le traje agua.

As I write this I realize, maybe I was making it all about me. He told me that.

I assumed he said that as a jab at me, but now that I think about it, he was feeling sick. He didnt want to get up. I would do the same if I felt sick. For me to get up in a huff and storm back with water would make anyone move to defense.

Its just that his defense is much more dark and destructive. He can turn  his conscious off. He is my vampire.

Still, he hurt you. Bad.

Yes, and while I think I may never recover I realized that all I need to do is enjoy life and enjoy being with Juan. If I hadn't of gotten upset we would have slept soundly that night.

Nina said something that really stuck with me. I told her that 

Amor, me tienes que prometer que nunca me vas a tratar hací otra vez. Es la unica manera que pudiera empezar de abrir mi corazon completamente. Sí, estamos juntos pero no sé si has notado que me alejé un poco. Lo que te dije en el baño no esta exagerado. Sí me dañas haci otra vez me vas a quebrar en pedazos que no voy a poder armar exactamente como estuvieron. Voy a ser alguien diferente. Voy a ser menos.

I dont think that is too much to ask for. Do you? I love him. I see a very interesting and fun life together. But is he right for you? He says you are right for him. The one. Why? Because I can cook and enjoy sucking his cock? Well, enjoyed is the better word to use. Sad as it is I dont feel that driving need to make his moan in pleasure like I used to. It scares me to think how he turned so evil. Specifically how it was directed at me. I thought I was the love of his life. And suddenly I was his enemy and wanted to  harm him! 

It hurt. The cut got me deep in the heart. love does not let that happen. 

But he is a vampire, Dora.

April 29th, 11:50pm

Yo puedo ver los momentos cuando no me realmente amabas. Quizas te gustaba la idea de mi y por eso me perdonabas o pedias perdon. 

Dices que me conoces bien. Sí, mi mente. Pero mi corazon no. 

Te dejo por que me lo pides. Te dejo por que es lo unico que puedo hacer para demostrarte que yo realmente te amo. 

No te peleo por que sé que no voy a ganar.

Y aun así, si peleo, nomas lo voy hacer mas peor para los dos. 

En las sombras

La señora es metiche. 

La señora se comporta como niña.

La señora esta triste.

¿Cuando mira a su vida, que piensa la señora?

¿Que perdio los mejores años de su vida? 

¿Que si puediera, regresaria a su niñez para hacerlo todo diferente?

Quizas si, quizas no. 

Recibimos el amor que piensas te mereces.

Cuando recibes más, lo dudas.

Disfrutalo.

No seas como la señora.

Aprendé.

Maduraté.

Vivé.

What is love?

Time is moving too fast and too slow at the same time. Days fly by with the breeze but the plans Ive made for my life seem so far away. Im not saying I want everything now, but I am expressing a concern for my seeming lack of progress. I guess I compare myself to the supposed social "norms" and I base my life on those. I am about to be divorced, Im doing online school and working part time which makes my life in general feel sub par. What can I say Ive really accomplished? Lived in different parts of the world? Got an AA? I feel pathetic. 

But I would like to assume that I am not the only one that feels this way. That others share that sense of failure although you are only at the beggining. This comforts and saddens me. Misery loves company but that really sucks that a lot of us struggle to have our shit together. 

In order to stay away from those thoughts and the negative feelings I associate with them, I just try to focus on what makes me happy.

A cool ocean breeze. 

Gummy bears and gummy bear songs.

My boyfriend. ;)

Getting high, listening to music, and blogging.

What is life anyway?

I say its happiness.

Lana made me do it

The other day I was waiting for the bf to finish in the bathroom and as I stared into space, high and relaxed, an interesting epiphany began to take form. As I thought about my bf and I another strain of thoughts went towards my ex. Specifically I wondered to myself why I could never fully give myself to him. During sex I was always reserved and revolted at the thought of having to work towards something that 98% of the time never came. But with my bf I crave him so badly my body shakes in pleasure when I finally kiss him or suck his glorious cock. 

I thought about the stark differences. I almost always cum now.  But I cant seem to give him enough pleasure to satisfy my urges. It is a new sensation for me, really. I remember the ex being that way though. I truly didn't love him as much as he loved me. I justified my life with him because he was a good provider and I knew Id always be ok. 

When I think of relationships I think of cavemen. As a woman you chose a man that can provide security and comfort. As a man you chose a woman that is agreeable to the eyes, good in bed, and can nurture both the man and the children. Sometimes I think of this and compare my bf to the "ideal man." He knows how to defend himself, he is highly intelligent, idealistic, and a kid at heart. His heavy past has equipped him with the tools to defend himself both mentally and physically. I really believe he is headed for greatness. He reaches high marks in each area. His weaknesses, though, are what seals the case. I can see his pain and to be able to give him something good brings me so much pleasure. 

With my ex, I never felt his weaknesses. He never let me in. Thus I never let him in. 

Train of Thought (choo choo)

(In the background Lana Del Rey's song Radio is playing)

The train tracks are not long, but they do take you to mang unimaginable places. One of these places is understanding. 

I arrived to this place about 20 minutes ago as I pondered my earlier work day.

(Now playing Florence + The Machine, Swimming)

I pondered many things, but mostlt people. My coworkers to be specific. One in particular whom I shall call Veronica. For some reason I've always felt a lot of antagonism from her. I, up to this point, had always assumed the reason was

(Music change to Angus and Julia Stone, Big Jet Plane acoustic version)

she still had strong feelings for my boyfriend. But although I tried to find ways to make that reason fit, I always felt like it was something different. 

As I rode those tracks of understanding I realized that lately I had been trying to get her to like me. I want to note that the specific words I used, "Get her to like me," were used because the whole thing seems childish to me. But regardless, here I was, trying to think of things to say that would interest her or things I can share about myself that could ease our tense relationship. 

Today in particular, I bought her a slurpee. When I handed it to her she said verbatim, "Oh I love you." I know she didn't mean actual love but the phrase is normally said when you are absolutely gracious and pleased with a person. I frankly, enjoyed hearing it.

(Missed an earlier song change cue to Lorde, A World Alone...sorry)

So back to why I was trying to say is that when I began dating my boyfriend, I had essentially "taken" away one of her best friends and work buddy. And I think seeing him with someone else hurt her but knew that it was supposed to be that way. That is where the antagonism came from. The heart of the problem is that I took one of her best friends, ex-boyfriend's (because they did date),

(Lana del Rey, Ride)

and attention giver. I think that now that some time has passed she is coming to accept it and give me a chance to be friends. And I am trying harder because I think it is important to be friends. We both care about my boyfriend and something important to him is important to us.

(Sia, Breathe Me has just begun to play)

When I finally reached understanding station I felt relieved. I no longer had to worry about her intentions. That I can actually let me guard down around her.

I guess my workday had been very productive today. While I did not know where my tracks led, I now see that the truth had been there all along. I just needed to find a place of understanding.

Time to get my workout on

Well maybe the Christine thing bothered me a little more than I let on. But I do not know how to let Juan know how I feel when I can barely describe it to myself. I think my inability to express my emotions out loud is getting to be old real fast. I need to be honest with myself and let my opinions and ideas be heard. I need to stop trying to keep the peace and just let it out instead of bottling it in.
I told Juan that I would work on it. Letting it continue happening is not working on it. But I honestly cannot figure out what is up with me.
Just recently I got super mega depressed all of a sudden. Juan and I went to buy Mexican food and once we got the house I took one bite and almost spat it out. I had lost my appetite. I also wanted to get some doritos, but when I walked in the bathroom, I just looked around and walked out again. It felt strange. I laid down and decided that maybe veg-ing out was the best thing to do since I had no desire to do anything all. But even that was asking too much. Finally I told Juan I was going to close my eyes. Instead I started crying and now Juan is asleep.
Its fucked up how little I know about myself. I hate that I cannot control my own emotions or at least explain to myself why I feel a certain way.
I think bottling things up is getting out of hand.

I need to get my ass to the gym.

The inevitable inevitableness

I've noticed that lately I've been getting far more tired than lately. Im not sure what it is, but I think I shouldn't ignore it. My eyes hurt more as well as my head occasionally. I think I'll mention it during my Dr's appointment.

Besides that, life has been going good. Juan and I are still hanging in there, knowing that in the end, we are worth it. I know that he is worth it. He is something that I will never get to be. But luckily I am able to sit back and watch it all happen before my eyes.

The only change in life has been with the sis. Things got intense (not sure if that is the right word to use) and Im pretty sure Chinita is mad with me. I guess having dad here threw off our harmony. Not sure.

Well just wanted to spew some thoughts out while I waited for my nails to dry.

-D

Sad hi

You can be sad when you are high. That was the answer to a question I had once when I was high. "Is it even possible to be sad?" I asked my boyfriend in a laughing hysterical manner. Little did I know that not only can you be sad when you are high, but that it intensifies the feeling so you feel even more sad. How fucked up is that? Not more fucked up than the way I found that answer out. I began to have a panic attack right in the middle of the bathroom. Fan-tastic, I tell you what. 

So a big resounding YES was my answer.

And now I am here to tell you, try not to be sad when you are high. It is far better to be happy as hell.

Untitled

So, I left my chapstick in the car. And Im not heading out in the blazing heat just to retireve it. I'd rather wait. Actually it would be better to say I'd rather keep waiting. I am currently waiting for the reason I have work today.  A gentleman by the name of Joe. 

This work shirt is ridiculously hot. If it wasn't for the strong AC vent I am sitting under, Id be sweating like a beast. Honestly, who thought a long sleeve, thick blue button up shirt was the best design for this particular job? I understand if maybe I lived in the snow. But not Southern California. I guess that is what happens when you try to fit one format across several different areas.

Anywho, so I was supposed to start about 50 min ago. The problem with the job I am doing now is that I have to wait for these guys. I cannot just go in and out as scheduled. I definitely did not sign up for this...I need a new job.

Speaking of, I suppose I'll take this time to job hunt instead of blabbling away. Great idea. TTFN ta ta for now

Inferno

Aveces lo que necesita la vida es una perspectiva diferente. Por ejemplo, qué pensaria de mi vida si algun dia alguien viene y me dice <<ya no puedes vivir esta vida. Ahora vas a vivir está>> y la otra vida que me presenta es tan diferente que ni sé por donde empezar todos los cambios. ¿Extrañaria la vida que tengo ahora? ¿O la dejaria sin una mirada atras?

Exactamento eso me acábo de pasar en febrero. En menos de un mes mi vida cambio completamente. Y agora cuando pienso en esa vida siento muchas diferentes emociones. De primero, siento los buenos momentos. ¿Porque sentir los buenos momentos primero? Por que no es justo pensar que mi vida horrible. Solo por que no funciono entre Sam y yo no quiere decir que no estaba feliz. No seria justo a el ni a mi si no puedo aceptar que mi vida era buena y que tuve un monton de momentos bonitos. 

Pero a la misma vez, por pensar en esos momentos bonitos no quiere decir que quiero regresar. Nomas quiere decir que no siento que deje mi vida echarse a perder. Lo unico que puedo hacer ahora es tomar esas memorias y intentar a guardarlas como una parte de mi vida que nunca voy a olvidar y que nunca va regresar a ser lo mismo. 

Una cosa que pasa cuando cambia tu vida por completo es que aceptas lo que tienes que hacer y te das cuenta que la vida sigue. El sol sale, los pajaros cantan, y bebes nacen cada dia. Nada para. Entonces solo es logico que tu vida va seguir tambien. Lo unico que tienes que decidir es si quieres seguir viviendo o resignarte para siempre.

Una cosa que me ayudo tremendamente es realizar que podia hacer cualquier cosa con mi vida. Y esa realicion me ayudo mucho. Enves de tener miedo de lo que iba pasar, estaba contenta y lista.

Y ahora estoy aqui, otra vez feliz y disfrutando el tiempo.

Mirando a mi vida y lo que a pasado y cambiado me hace pensar que talvez estoy suficiente fuerte a seguir el camino que se a presentado a mi.

No sé que va pasar o si algun dia voy a leer esto y pensar <<¿de que pendejadas estaba hablando?>> pero espero que por lo menos aprendo como vivir lo mas posible y mas que todo, estare feliz.