Fleeting thoughts...

I am beautiful?

Well I know I am not ugly. But am I beautiful?

When I think of the word beautiful, I think of someone who's insides match their outsides.

Smile in the dark

I have slowly settled into Cali. I'm getting more and more used to the thought that I am out here for good. I mean it is hard to swallow that when I am staying at my sister's house, but I think it will all get easier when I finally have my own place and I am doing my own thing.

Things right now consist of work, school, money, and well, money again. Lets do money x2. lol. But money then goes back to work and basically I just need to find a better job. I'm trying not to get overwhelmed with all the things I need to do and keep track of. Maybe I should make a list.

1.Find better job.
2. Talk to AT&T about my own plan. Or see if I can hop on someone else's.
3.Find an apartment.

Okay, so the list isn't that bad. At least #2 is super doable. Just #1 and #3 require more thought. And time. And money. Sigh.

Overall though, I think I am ok. Counseling is kind of helping. I'm not sure how I feel about it yet. Next Thursday will be my third session.

My birthday is next Friday. I am...apathetic? Just excited to eat sushi and drink I guess.
Jay is coming down from San Fran to visit me. I hope things dont get complicated with Dallas because of it...I dont think it should.

Anywho, yesterday was mom's bday. I missed her, but for the most part I wasn't really thinking about her. It makes me sad to say that, but it is the truth. I guess its how we cope.

Well I am going to continue taking it a day at a time and striving to continue smiling in the dark.

Sandwiches

So this post has nothing to do with sandwiches. I just thought, "What should I name this post?" and sandwiches popped in my head. So voila...thus appeared the name of this post.

A few things have occurred since my last post. I went to the counselor, and although it was weird at first, by the end I was glad I had gone. And I'm looking forward to next week's session. The doctor didn't tell me I am dying, so that makes me happy. Turns out HPV is very common and can go away on its own. I also started BC, so things can be easy peasy in September.

Today I spent the greater part of the day with Anthony apartment hunting. We found a couple of places we are interested in, and we are actually going to look at one tomorrow morning.

Life is...going. Sam said he was going to transfer my taxes money to me soon and asked for my account number and whatnot. I am thinking about the best way to handle it. I do not want to blow it on anything, but I do have some debt I would like to get rid of.

But I am going to save a few hundred bucks for my birthday. I am not planning on doing anything crazy, but I do want to have a little bit of spending monies.

Overall, I just have to remember that I am going to be okay and that things will work out as long as I make the right choices for me and not get too far off track from where I want my life to be.

A new chapter

I realized today, that as I writer, I was suffering by not having an outlet to let my thoughts flow.

I deleted my previous blog due to various reasons, but mostly to the fact that its contents were no longer relevant. The posts were all about my life with Sam. And I do not have that anymore. So why would I torture myself by keeping the proof of a life that no longer existed?

It seriously felt like someone died. And in fact several people died. The kids that Sam and I would have had, died. Their kids died. And their kids. And so on. I was mourning their loss as well as the loss of a life that I dedicated myself to but no longer could continue as it was.

I cannot say I don't miss Sam. Because I do. But at the same time, I do not miss him so much that I want to go back. I miss his comfort and security. But do I really miss HIM? I am not so sure how to answer that question.  I suppose if I had to answer quickly, I would say, "no." I feel slightly dead inside writing that. But at least I am being honest.

I miss writing. It hurts me that Sam took that away from me. I will find the joy again in typing/hand writing away whatever comes to mind.

Today I am feeling especially...depressed.

I am going to go see a counselor. And then a doctor that is going to tell me that there is shit wrong with me.

I...want to hide away.  Retreat and ignore and lick my wounds, alone in a small dark corner.

But instead, I am going to get up and force myself to do what I need to do. I cannot hide like I want to. It is not an option.

I'll just smile and pretend to myself that I am truly okay and that things will be better one day.