A new chapter

I realized today, that as I writer, I was suffering by not having an outlet to let my thoughts flow.

I deleted my previous blog due to various reasons, but mostly to the fact that its contents were no longer relevant. The posts were all about my life with Sam. And I do not have that anymore. So why would I torture myself by keeping the proof of a life that no longer existed?

It seriously felt like someone died. And in fact several people died. The kids that Sam and I would have had, died. Their kids died. And their kids. And so on. I was mourning their loss as well as the loss of a life that I dedicated myself to but no longer could continue as it was.

I cannot say I don't miss Sam. Because I do. But at the same time, I do not miss him so much that I want to go back. I miss his comfort and security. But do I really miss HIM? I am not so sure how to answer that question.  I suppose if I had to answer quickly, I would say, "no." I feel slightly dead inside writing that. But at least I am being honest.

I miss writing. It hurts me that Sam took that away from me. I will find the joy again in typing/hand writing away whatever comes to mind.

Today I am feeling especially...depressed.

I am going to go see a counselor. And then a doctor that is going to tell me that there is shit wrong with me.

I...want to hide away.  Retreat and ignore and lick my wounds, alone in a small dark corner.

But instead, I am going to get up and force myself to do what I need to do. I cannot hide like I want to. It is not an option.

I'll just smile and pretend to myself that I am truly okay and that things will be better one day.