B.F.F.s

I do not know how I feel about Lana. I feel like she is holding a lot back. It bothers me that I do not know for sure what is going through her mind.
It makes me sad.
She has been my best friend for a long time and I never want to lose the relationship I have with her, but the something left unspoken has planted a seed of doubt in my mind.

Mi abuelita

Mi abuelita esta en el hospital.
Mi grandma is in the hospital.
She had a stroke yesterday morning and has been in intensive care since. The most current news from my sister Claudia is that she has been tied down due to aggressiveness, she will have memory failure, and they will not let the family see her. My dad and my aunt Pichi are not too good, both of them probably feeling unimaginable pain. But maybe not as much pain as my grandma. She has a temporary pace maker and again, according to Claudia, they are talking about doing surgery to unclog the artery that is killing her and put a permanent pace maker.
The whole situation has me in a weird place emotionally.
Of course I am deeply saddened, worried, scared that mi abuelita as I last saw her exists no longer. I will cherish the few memories I have of her. The most prominent is the one of her dancing. She was so carefree. Coincidentally I have a small memory of my mom dancing. She had the same look of complete inhibition. 
I hate that I am so far away. That I cannot just teleport to the hospital. I want to be supportive. 
At the same time, I feel slightly hurt at the fact that my dad didn't tell me what happened when he told Chinita. And I doubt it is because he forgot. He even later sent me a message telling me to ask if Chinita had seen his messages. But that is it. Nothing about what it was about. Then, Chinita posts on fb that she is worried about mi abuelita. Alarms go off in my head. I text her and tell her dad's message and she says she already replied. Then she fills me in that abuelita had a stroke. Hours later, after seeing my response on Chinita's post, my dad messages me to tell me what happened.
I don't know...as I write this I realize that I may be overreacting. Okay, dad didn't tell me. But in his defense he has a lot of things going on. Important things. Things that may make him not even think about informing his youngest daughter. Ugh, I do not know! I feel like there is no right answer. He should have told me. I shouldn't be mad, though.

In conclusion, I am worried.
I love her very much. Losing her without being able to enjoy her more...is very painful. I am thankful for the small amount of time I did have. It was not wasted.

Please forgive me

Life has changed again for me.

This time, I am in a house that has seen better years. But all I see are the future years of growth and improvement. What this house has been through not only includes Juan's childhood, but that of his parents and before them. Too see it grow will be inevitable.

I have noticed that my thought process has changed. I really am not the same person I was in January of last year.
I've noticed that the repetitive fights I've had with Juan have been leaving their mark. I do not clam up. I am more sure of what I want yet I am willing to seriously consider what Juan says. We grew up in two different mentalities. I had the one with sunshine and rainbows. I thank my parents for letting me have that. But at an early age, Juan already knew that the world was a horrible place with bad people that did bad things. He knew it so well, he thrived in that environment and relished off the power it gave him.

But what I think that is happening is I am beginning to understand more. I am letting go of my old ways of thinking, AKA my "bubble," and actually letting reality in. It is costing me more than I thought it would. I remember a few years back rejoicing about maturing. As I reflect on that moment now all I can think is, "Dora, you never grew up! You are still a child! Dumb ass." And it is in this realization that I comprehend that what a needed is what I am getting now. A new way to think. Logic in the real world.

I like where we are. Tijuana is interesting. It has so many secrets. Some are great and others not so much. But the great ones are pretty great. I've gotten so used to just "going with the flow" that I don't really sense a big environment change. Actually I feel pretty comfy.

I pretty much have taken a CHILL PILL...there will always be time to stress.

The one year mark.

I have made it past the one year mark. 

As I reflect over the past year many things become apparent.

I could not have imagined that I would be where I am now. 

The divorce...Juan...life close to family and friends...it all went differently than I had planned for. 

The divorce went through in November. I had planned for it to be going through around now. 

I planned on being single and learning what it meant to be me.

I had planned on being there for my sister more and taking up all of Nina's weekend time. I feel like I was severely lacking in those areas, especially for the latter part of the year. 

As I reflect, many feelings emerge. I am more aware of the world and myself now than I was this time last year. 

Sam is a thing of the past. Someone I used to know. But did he ever know me?

Did I ever know me?

Sometimes I think of my life up until last year and wonder to myself, "Was I happier then?" But as I ponder, I'm not sure that is really the right question I should be asking. I was just different. And on top of that I think my happiness has actually increased.

I am excited for this upcoming year and what it means to be alive. 

TJ, San Fran, Guatemala, here I come. 

Pieces of me

Literalmente, pieces of me.

No se, me senti pequena. Muy pequena.

Like an ant. Trying to get a message to an elephant. And my uselessness made me sad. My inability to pierce through makes me feel worthless.

In a way I caused it. In a way. But how can your argument be that your problems are more than mine. One problem, two problems, a million problems, shit it doesn't matter! They are all important.

Ahora va estar enojado conmigo. Concentrate.

Edge Hill

The sensation begins in the back of my head and runs down my spine, causing it to arch pushing my stomach outward. I feel faint and impaired. My vision slightly blurrs. My attention span reduces to just minutes, my brain to foggy to concentrate. My body feels like jelly and my stomach lurches at every sensation of unbalance. 

Yet I am relaxed. I know I'll be okay. I sit and try to enjoy the sensation.

See You Now

If I can't explain my reasons to anyone else then why fuck am I still with him? 

I should have left that night.

I not only realized that he does not really love me, he can enjoy seeing me in pain. How else would he have been able to tell me such horrible things?

Ya no te quiero en mi vida.

Puedo ser mamón y decir todo esta bien y mañana decirte que era una mentira.

Y al final llego a decir ¡que yo era su enemiga! El realmente pensó que le queria hacer daño. ¡Todo por un pinchi vaso de agua! 

Yo puedo admitir que reaccioné muy dratica, pero a mi se me iso ridiculó que se iba quedar sufriendo por que no le traje agua.

As I write this I realize, maybe I was making it all about me. He told me that.

I assumed he said that as a jab at me, but now that I think about it, he was feeling sick. He didnt want to get up. I would do the same if I felt sick. For me to get up in a huff and storm back with water would make anyone move to defense.

Its just that his defense is much more dark and destructive. He can turn  his conscious off. He is my vampire.

Still, he hurt you. Bad.

Yes, and while I think I may never recover I realized that all I need to do is enjoy life and enjoy being with Juan. If I hadn't of gotten upset we would have slept soundly that night.

Nina said something that really stuck with me. I told her that 

Amor, me tienes que prometer que nunca me vas a tratar hací otra vez. Es la unica manera que pudiera empezar de abrir mi corazon completamente. Sí, estamos juntos pero no sé si has notado que me alejé un poco. Lo que te dije en el baño no esta exagerado. Sí me dañas haci otra vez me vas a quebrar en pedazos que no voy a poder armar exactamente como estuvieron. Voy a ser alguien diferente. Voy a ser menos.

I dont think that is too much to ask for. Do you? I love him. I see a very interesting and fun life together. But is he right for you? He says you are right for him. The one. Why? Because I can cook and enjoy sucking his cock? Well, enjoyed is the better word to use. Sad as it is I dont feel that driving need to make his moan in pleasure like I used to. It scares me to think how he turned so evil. Specifically how it was directed at me. I thought I was the love of his life. And suddenly I was his enemy and wanted to  harm him! 

It hurt. The cut got me deep in the heart. love does not let that happen. 

But he is a vampire, Dora.